I first heard about the book Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi from the assistant director of Alumni Relations at my undergrad college. I had lunch with him at Pho 777 in Azusa in July 2008. I was looking for ways to improve my networking skills and the assistant director strongly recommended this book saying that it has helped him greatly with the public relations aspects of his job. I checked out the book from the Covina Public Library. It’s hard to miss with its orange cover. It was published in 2005 that actually makes it a bit dated. It has around 200-300 pages separated into 3 main sections and many smaller chapters. I mostly read it during my spare time at home and, though it read fairly quickly, it never felt like fun or pleasure reading. In fact, it made me feel a bit stressed to read it. I kept going, even past the rule of fifty because I thought I might find something very useful. There were some possible good ideas, and some profound insights. But there were also some strange, less focused ideas. The book’s tone seemed to be almost frantic (e.g. you gotta do this, you gotta do that) and despite having chapters and main sections, it didn’t seem very well organized. The section on small talk that seems to me to be one of the first steps to networking doesn’t appear until the latter half of the book. Often, the book seemed more like an autobiography than a self-help book (therefore a self-self-help book?) or that it was only for a certain type of person (extroverts) or career (sales/marketing).
Never Eat Alone begins like an autobiography where the author tells how he started learning how to network as a child and teen. In this section he recommends being audacious and not be afraid to ask anyone for anything because they may just give it to you. He then veers off into goal setting that I guess is related to networking though only in that they are both ways that help lead to success. I guess his point is that you need to have goals if you want to network. He gives an example of Yale (that happens to be his alma mater) class of 1953 being survey on whether they had goals and whether they wrote down their goals. Twenty years later the 13% who had goals but didn’t write them down were earning, on average, twice as much as the 84% who didn’t have goals. However, “the 3% who wrote down their goals were earning, on average, ten times as much as the other 97% combined.” (Ferrazzi, p. 24) His point seems to be: when you graduated from college, you should have had goals and you should have written them down. The survey could also have proven that if you were lucky enough to know what you planned to do, you did better. I’m not sure if he states it explicitly, but I don’t believe it is ever too late to write down your goals and pursue them.
Ferrazzi goes on to use the New Agey metaphor of the “blue flame” and bliss for a goal as in “follow your bliss” or follow your blue flame. He describes how Joseph Campbell determined that his “blue flame” was the study of Greek Mythology. “After graduation (from Columbia U.) he moved into a cabin in Woodstock, NY where he did nothing but read from 9 in the morning until 6 or 7 at night.” (p. 27) This is an interesting account but one I expected to read in a book about networking. I bet Campbell ate alone many times during those five years. This account also reminded me of seeing a video of Campbell speaking in my Into to Religious Texts class. At the time I thought he gave a rather dull and unfocused lecture that was difficult to understand. Maybe I’d appreciated it better now that I’m older. Ferrazzi also writes that, “Campbell believed that within each person, there’s an intuitive knowledge of what he or she wants most in live. We only have to look for it.” (p. 27)
I did learn a few possibly good networking ideas from the book. One is to frequent a favorite restaurant that’s preferably high-end, get to know the staff and eventually the owner. Bring coworkers there and have them cater an event. According to Ferrazzi, the restaurateur will soon introduce you to their important clients. Another idea is social arbitrage: bringing two people together for mutual benefit. If you don’t known enough people to do this, you can become a knowledge broker. You can get knowledge free or nearly free from books, articles, or the Internet. You just read the information, summarize the big ideas and why it might be useful, and send it to people you want to meet or already know who might benefit from it. Another good idea is to write an article. First you find something you’re interested in, then find a newspaper, newsletter, or publication that might be interested and the editor will probably say, “Let me see it when it’s done.” (p. 247) You identify the top experts on the topic you’re researching and call them for an interviews saying you’re calling on behalf of the (name of publication). Ferrazzi writes, “What you’ve unknowingly done, by calling these people and setting an interview is establish a terrific environment for meeting anyone anywhere.”
Ferrazzi presents some ideas that weren’t as new to me but still good. One is to improve your speaking skills and when you’ve gotten better, volunteer to speak at conferences or events. You can get involved with an organization such as Toastmasters Club who’ll give you a chance to practice in a non-intimidating environment. I know from experience about meeting people by speaking. After presenting at a couple of conferences for work, it seemed like all these people I didn’t know knew my name. Ferrazzi also suggests the book How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I had heard of it and had always thought it was just a generic self-help book. But after reading Ferrazzi’s account of the book’s history and main ideas, I think it might be worth checking out sometime.
Some of the more profound ideas that Ferrazzi presents also make sense. Late in the book he describes a meditation technique called Vipassana, “a technology for inner peace that can drive fear from the heart and help us have the courage to be who we really are.” (p. 295) That sounds similar to the the Bene Gesserit chant to alleviate fear from Frank Herbert’s book Dune. Per teacher S.N. Goerska, Vipassana involves a “grueling 10-day course, during which practitioners sit for hours-long stretches in absolute silence, without eye contact, writing, or communication of any kind except with teachers at the end of the day.” (p. 296) Like the story of Joseph Campbell, this sounds interesting but I’m not 100% sure how it helps with networking. In sounds like the course involves eating alone. Ferrazzi also includes an interesting quote from the Rabbi Harold Kushner: “Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. These rewards create as many problems as they solve. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter so the world will be a little bit better for our having passed through it.” (p. 294) I’m not sure I agree with that 100%. Another profound idea that Ferrazzi describes that’s more pertinent to networking is “refrigerator rights”. He argues that we need more “refrigerator relationships” with people we are comfortable and informal enough to allow us to walk into one another’s kitchens and rummage through the refrigerator without asking. (p. 289) He references this idea from Dr. Will Miller and Glen Spark’s book Refrigerator Rights. Due to “increased mobility, American emphasis on individualism, and the overwhelming media distractions available to us, we lead lives of relative isolation.” They argue that the refrigerator relationships keep us well adjusted, happy, and successful.
The book seems to encompass not just networking but Ferrazzi’s entire philosophy about being successful. The views are very much his own and have obviously worked out well for him. I’m not sure they would work as well for those of us that are different from him. Also the way he presents some of his ideas is sometimes haphazard or a bit digressing. In the chapter of how not to be the smoozing networking jerk he makes the point that you should never go to a party or conference empty handed or without anything to offer. That makes sense. But as an example he mentions bloggers who write online journals for free and are “often rewarded with a devout following of people who, in return, offer as much as they receiving.” (p. 59) I like that he gives kudos to us bloggers and makes blogging seem like a form of networking, but how does that apply to the party or conference he started out with?
There are parts of the book that seem a bit dated. I guess the book is a bit old, having been published in 2005. He doesn’t mention MySpace or Facebook at all though he does briefly mention Spoke, LinkedIn, Friendster, and a few I hadn’t heard of: Ryze, Zerodegrees, and Capital IQ. The latter aggregates market data and information on executives. Ferrazzi is only partly sold on e-mail that he believes wallflowers use to avoid personal interaction. Digital media may make communication faster, but Ferrazzi believes they are not effective at making friends. He also believes that mean business is over and mean guys finish last. He asserts that we live in a new “abundance of choice in business in everything from products to career paths.” (p. 58) He bases this on quotes from author and friend Tim Sanders. Another reason Ferrazzi gives for mean business being over is that e-mail, instant messaging, and the web make it almost impossible for a crummy person to keep his or her reality a secret anymore. I’m not so sure that the “abundance of choice” still exists in the current economy.
Speaking of the economy, last year I read in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune about “Pink Slip mixers” where people who had lost their jobs would meet at a bar, restaurant or club, commiserate, and figure out ways they could help each other. This seemed like a good idea to me especially the part about having something to offer the others. It almost seems consistent with Ferrazzi’s idea of always having something to give. But Ferrazzi later writes that these networking events are useless and only for the desperate or the uninformed. He writes, “Imagine a congregation of people with nothing in common except joblessness. That’s not exactly a recipe for facilitating close bonds.” (p. 99) I ask, “Why not? What about the adage ‘misery loves company’?” And, if attending these networking events is useless then what kinds of events should the unemployed attend?
Something I had hoped the book would cover was small talk. There is a chapter on it but I didn’t find it very helpful. It basically said to be genuine and determine the other person “Jadori window” on how much they’re willing to open up. I wish he gave some examples of conversations.
Overall, I found some things in the book that might be helpful but not enough to redeem all that I didn’t find helpful or that I disagreed with. Also the book’s message was inconsistent at times and the content was organized in a rather haphazard way. At one point Ferrazzi says to never eat alone and at another he praises a meditation technique that involves talking to no one. I get that he has had an interesting and successful professional life and a number of things have worked well for him. But this doesn’t mean they’ll work for everyone. I also don’t buy into the whole philosophy that there should be no boundaries between work and personal life. I didn’t find the excited and almost stressful tone of the book to be easy reading. I’m glad it wasn’t too long or I wouldn’t have finished it. I may recommend it for people like Ferrazzi or workaholic extroverts with type A personalities. For everyone else, go ahead and eat alone.
Never Eat Alone begins like an autobiography where the author tells how he started learning how to network as a child and teen. In this section he recommends being audacious and not be afraid to ask anyone for anything because they may just give it to you. He then veers off into goal setting that I guess is related to networking though only in that they are both ways that help lead to success. I guess his point is that you need to have goals if you want to network. He gives an example of Yale (that happens to be his alma mater) class of 1953 being survey on whether they had goals and whether they wrote down their goals. Twenty years later the 13% who had goals but didn’t write them down were earning, on average, twice as much as the 84% who didn’t have goals. However, “the 3% who wrote down their goals were earning, on average, ten times as much as the other 97% combined.” (Ferrazzi, p. 24) His point seems to be: when you graduated from college, you should have had goals and you should have written them down. The survey could also have proven that if you were lucky enough to know what you planned to do, you did better. I’m not sure if he states it explicitly, but I don’t believe it is ever too late to write down your goals and pursue them.
Ferrazzi goes on to use the New Agey metaphor of the “blue flame” and bliss for a goal as in “follow your bliss” or follow your blue flame. He describes how Joseph Campbell determined that his “blue flame” was the study of Greek Mythology. “After graduation (from Columbia U.) he moved into a cabin in Woodstock, NY where he did nothing but read from 9 in the morning until 6 or 7 at night.” (p. 27) This is an interesting account but one I expected to read in a book about networking. I bet Campbell ate alone many times during those five years. This account also reminded me of seeing a video of Campbell speaking in my Into to Religious Texts class. At the time I thought he gave a rather dull and unfocused lecture that was difficult to understand. Maybe I’d appreciated it better now that I’m older. Ferrazzi also writes that, “Campbell believed that within each person, there’s an intuitive knowledge of what he or she wants most in live. We only have to look for it.” (p. 27)
I did learn a few possibly good networking ideas from the book. One is to frequent a favorite restaurant that’s preferably high-end, get to know the staff and eventually the owner. Bring coworkers there and have them cater an event. According to Ferrazzi, the restaurateur will soon introduce you to their important clients. Another idea is social arbitrage: bringing two people together for mutual benefit. If you don’t known enough people to do this, you can become a knowledge broker. You can get knowledge free or nearly free from books, articles, or the Internet. You just read the information, summarize the big ideas and why it might be useful, and send it to people you want to meet or already know who might benefit from it. Another good idea is to write an article. First you find something you’re interested in, then find a newspaper, newsletter, or publication that might be interested and the editor will probably say, “Let me see it when it’s done.” (p. 247) You identify the top experts on the topic you’re researching and call them for an interviews saying you’re calling on behalf of the (name of publication). Ferrazzi writes, “What you’ve unknowingly done, by calling these people and setting an interview is establish a terrific environment for meeting anyone anywhere.”
Ferrazzi presents some ideas that weren’t as new to me but still good. One is to improve your speaking skills and when you’ve gotten better, volunteer to speak at conferences or events. You can get involved with an organization such as Toastmasters Club who’ll give you a chance to practice in a non-intimidating environment. I know from experience about meeting people by speaking. After presenting at a couple of conferences for work, it seemed like all these people I didn’t know knew my name. Ferrazzi also suggests the book How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I had heard of it and had always thought it was just a generic self-help book. But after reading Ferrazzi’s account of the book’s history and main ideas, I think it might be worth checking out sometime.
Some of the more profound ideas that Ferrazzi presents also make sense. Late in the book he describes a meditation technique called Vipassana, “a technology for inner peace that can drive fear from the heart and help us have the courage to be who we really are.” (p. 295) That sounds similar to the the Bene Gesserit chant to alleviate fear from Frank Herbert’s book Dune. Per teacher S.N. Goerska, Vipassana involves a “grueling 10-day course, during which practitioners sit for hours-long stretches in absolute silence, without eye contact, writing, or communication of any kind except with teachers at the end of the day.” (p. 296) Like the story of Joseph Campbell, this sounds interesting but I’m not 100% sure how it helps with networking. In sounds like the course involves eating alone. Ferrazzi also includes an interesting quote from the Rabbi Harold Kushner: “Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. These rewards create as many problems as they solve. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter so the world will be a little bit better for our having passed through it.” (p. 294) I’m not sure I agree with that 100%. Another profound idea that Ferrazzi describes that’s more pertinent to networking is “refrigerator rights”. He argues that we need more “refrigerator relationships” with people we are comfortable and informal enough to allow us to walk into one another’s kitchens and rummage through the refrigerator without asking. (p. 289) He references this idea from Dr. Will Miller and Glen Spark’s book Refrigerator Rights. Due to “increased mobility, American emphasis on individualism, and the overwhelming media distractions available to us, we lead lives of relative isolation.” They argue that the refrigerator relationships keep us well adjusted, happy, and successful.
The book seems to encompass not just networking but Ferrazzi’s entire philosophy about being successful. The views are very much his own and have obviously worked out well for him. I’m not sure they would work as well for those of us that are different from him. Also the way he presents some of his ideas is sometimes haphazard or a bit digressing. In the chapter of how not to be the smoozing networking jerk he makes the point that you should never go to a party or conference empty handed or without anything to offer. That makes sense. But as an example he mentions bloggers who write online journals for free and are “often rewarded with a devout following of people who, in return, offer as much as they receiving.” (p. 59) I like that he gives kudos to us bloggers and makes blogging seem like a form of networking, but how does that apply to the party or conference he started out with?
There are parts of the book that seem a bit dated. I guess the book is a bit old, having been published in 2005. He doesn’t mention MySpace or Facebook at all though he does briefly mention Spoke, LinkedIn, Friendster, and a few I hadn’t heard of: Ryze, Zerodegrees, and Capital IQ. The latter aggregates market data and information on executives. Ferrazzi is only partly sold on e-mail that he believes wallflowers use to avoid personal interaction. Digital media may make communication faster, but Ferrazzi believes they are not effective at making friends. He also believes that mean business is over and mean guys finish last. He asserts that we live in a new “abundance of choice in business in everything from products to career paths.” (p. 58) He bases this on quotes from author and friend Tim Sanders. Another reason Ferrazzi gives for mean business being over is that e-mail, instant messaging, and the web make it almost impossible for a crummy person to keep his or her reality a secret anymore. I’m not so sure that the “abundance of choice” still exists in the current economy.
Speaking of the economy, last year I read in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune about “Pink Slip mixers” where people who had lost their jobs would meet at a bar, restaurant or club, commiserate, and figure out ways they could help each other. This seemed like a good idea to me especially the part about having something to offer the others. It almost seems consistent with Ferrazzi’s idea of always having something to give. But Ferrazzi later writes that these networking events are useless and only for the desperate or the uninformed. He writes, “Imagine a congregation of people with nothing in common except joblessness. That’s not exactly a recipe for facilitating close bonds.” (p. 99) I ask, “Why not? What about the adage ‘misery loves company’?” And, if attending these networking events is useless then what kinds of events should the unemployed attend?
Something I had hoped the book would cover was small talk. There is a chapter on it but I didn’t find it very helpful. It basically said to be genuine and determine the other person “Jadori window” on how much they’re willing to open up. I wish he gave some examples of conversations.
Overall, I found some things in the book that might be helpful but not enough to redeem all that I didn’t find helpful or that I disagreed with. Also the book’s message was inconsistent at times and the content was organized in a rather haphazard way. At one point Ferrazzi says to never eat alone and at another he praises a meditation technique that involves talking to no one. I get that he has had an interesting and successful professional life and a number of things have worked well for him. But this doesn’t mean they’ll work for everyone. I also don’t buy into the whole philosophy that there should be no boundaries between work and personal life. I didn’t find the excited and almost stressful tone of the book to be easy reading. I’m glad it wasn’t too long or I wouldn’t have finished it. I may recommend it for people like Ferrazzi or workaholic extroverts with type A personalities. For everyone else, go ahead and eat alone.
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